We assume you already know about the horrendous damage addiction does to the body and mind of the addict. If you’re in recovery, those wounds naturally begin to heal, sometimes incredibly quickly and sometimes over an extended period of time. But a healthy life isn’t solely about what’s happening internally. In order to gain fulfillment and thrive, people need to have trusting, caring, and close relationships with others. Without these connections, it’s difficult to find meaning and joy in life, and addiction usually pushes the most important relationships in an addict’s life to (and often beyond) the breaking point. Let’s take a look at some strategies for rebuilding the relationships that matter to you.
Trust
The pursuit of whatever substance you used to need almost certainly caused you to lie to the people around you. Addiction makes deceit a necessity, and the people closest to you have likely heard countless lies both great and small. Sure, you’re doing great right now, but you’ve pledged to stop using before. In the early stages of recovery, you may know that you’ve changed, and it can be difficult to accept that those around you will need an extended period of time to acknowledge and accept the new you. Don’t forget that it took an extended period of time for you to teach them that you weren’t worthy of trust, and it will take a similar amount of time for them to unlearn the lesson. And remember that they can still care deeply about you even if you haven’t established trust yet.
In the meantime, it’s essential that you practice scrupulous honesty in everything you do. Acknowledging and dealing with troubling feelings and thoughts is a major part of recovery, and lying to others and yourself about shame, trauma, cravings, and your struggles with sobriety is a recipe for relapse. As you build honest habits and confront the mistakes you’ve made, the people close to you will see the depth of your commitment to recovery, and they’ll come around once they’ve seen the person you’ve become.
Making Amends
If you’re in recovery, you are probably already familiar with this idea, which makes up two fundamental steps of 12 Step programs (Step 8: Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them and Step 9: Made direct amends to those people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others). It’s important to remember that making amends is more than just apologizing. As the Betty Ford Center notes, making amends means taking action, while apologies are just words.
There are ways both great and small to acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done and take action to make them right. You could repay someone for something you took from them, whether monetarily, or through thoughtful gestures, emotional support, or something as simple as shoveling a snow-covered driveway or making breakfast. If a person you’ve wronged is unwilling to meet with you, you need to accept that and move on. But you can also do something that they’d appreciate if they knew about it, like offering money or time to a charity close to their heart.
It’s hard to move on from the pain of the past until it’s acknowledged, accepted, and dealt with. Healing isn’t possible until you directly address the cause of pain. Making amends will give you a better understanding of what your addiction did to the people you love, and illuminate the way forward. As they see you grapple with this process, they’ll begin to understand that changes have occurred within you, and they’ll see these changes manifested in your actions.
Therapy Really Will Help
Your addiction can cause a host of problems for the people in your life, problems as serious as trauma, financial ruin, and co-dependence. You almost certainly won’t be the only person who needs to heal as you begin to move on from addiction, and one way to facilitate healing for partners and families is therapy.
If you feel like relationships need repairing, family and couples therapy are great ways to move forward. It can teach you and your loved ones to communicate your emotions, grievances, and needs in a healthy and positive manner, and move beyond the hurt. It is also hugely beneficial to have a disinterested third party assess the ways in which relationships have become toxic or codependent, and offer you helpful suggestions for putting them right. Therapy helps many people gain a fresh perspective on problems that previously seemed insoluble, and pushes those involved towards forgiveness.
Another type of therapy to consider is Naikan, a Buddhist approach which is based on reflecting deeply on our relationships with others. The practice of Naikan emphasized three fundamental questions: what have I received from _____, what have I given to _____; and what troubles and difficulties have I caused for _____. Naikan is an extremely powerful tool for creating a sense of gratitude, and for helping you to break free of resentments. We would recommend it highly as a way to realize just how much you have to be grateful for, and how important it is to patch fractured relationships back together.
Be Patient
Many people going through recovery are in a huge rush to undo the wrongs they have done. It’s a commendable impulse, but remember that there are no quick fixes. Grand gestures and impassioned words are nice, but you need to realize that no matter how sincere you are, it’s going to take time. Your loved ones didn’t lose trust in you after your first mistake, and they aren’t going to find it again after your first attempt to make amends. The guilt and shame you feel when cataloging the mistakes you’ve made will make you eager to heal all of the wounds addiction has created. But remember that recovery means learning to accept and live with your pain, and the desire to numb it or make it disappear was what led you into addiction in the first place.
If you know someone grappling with addiction, or you’d like to learn more about the benefits of Naikan therapy, don’t hesitate to get in touch today!
For further information visit www.tabularasaretreat.com or call PT +351 965 751 649 UK +44 7961 355 530