How to Manage Your Stress and Anger Without Drugs or Alcohol
It is an uncontested fact that everyday life can have its aggravating stressors—we live in hectic times; our society has become fractured beyond belief, and the notion that everyone should just breathe before reacting defensively to external events is easier said than done. To show you how to manage your stress and anger without drugs or alcohol, we will help you identify and change a few of the twisted thinking patterns that go hand in hand with being hot-headed.
Over the course of this blog post (Part I) and the next one (Part II), we will provide you with strategies and techniques drawn from the school of cognitive psychology, in the form of written exercises, that will help manage your stress and anger.
The fact that many of us overreact in ways that are not proportional to the triggering event means we have what the school of cognitive psychology calls a high IQ.
In case you are wondering, a high IQ has nothing to do with intelligence, but stands for Irritability Quotient.
Many of us also use drugs or alcohol as coping mechanisms to soothe our Irritability Quotient, and when we successfully manage to stop using, we find ourselves limping without our “crutches.”
What this means for those of us in recovery is that when we are faced with events that fuel our sense of irritation, anger and indignation, we become more vulnerable to the kind of thinking patterns that in the past would make us reach for drugs or alcohol to manage our stress and anger.
If you are interested in trying to stop your addictions in their tracks, you would do well to have a look at our website and give us a call here at Tabula Rasa Retreat™, as we have been helping people help themselves since 2015, halting addiction with no withdrawal symptoms. Namely, there is one treatment plan involving ibogaine, a powerful extract from the West African shrub, Tabernanthe Iboga, known to be especially effective in curbing addictions to alcohol, heroin, cocaine and other substances.
Traditional psychotherapy has conceptualized two ways in which we deal with our anger, yet neither of them present the practical solutions offered by cognitive psychology.
According to traditional psychology, one of the ways we cope is we often absorb our anger and turn it inward, stewing in resentment and becoming passive-aggressive towards those who we feel caused our mood.
The other way—bizarrely considered “healthier” —is where we externalize and freely vent our feelings; however, there is little that we can safely say is healthy about going around popping our tops off various times throughout the day at random people, right?
To better manage your stress and anger, the school of cognitive psychology goes a step further and gives us the tools for what is, by far, the only sensible option: to take responsibility for our own peace of mind and stop creating our own anger.
Founded by American psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis, it has as its main tenet that our thoughts—which we can control—are what create our feelings, and not the other way round.
In today’s article, Part I of a two-part deep dive in how to manage your stress and anger, we will provide you with an outline of some of the distorted perceptions that go hand in hand with feeling upset or angry; a few invaluable tools and guidelines to help you decide whether getting angry about a certain situation is really in your best interests, so you can effectively reduce unnecessary stress.
From here until the end of today’s post, we will start by sharing with you three techniques on how to successfully manage your stress and anger.
With some practice, our hope is that you will soon be able to gradually reduce the irritation and level of anger that sour your life and relationships.
In part II of the article, we will continue to outline more cognitive psychology techniques to manage your stress and anger without drugs or alcohol.
“People Ain’t No Good.”
Or so musician Nick Cave sang in 1997. As amazing an artist as he is, though…how right was he?
While tempting to give in to existential cynicism and, like both Cave and French philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, spit out that “hell is other people,” in doing so, we are not only doing others a disservice, as we are creating unnecessary anguish for ourselves.
“How could X be so selfish? It drives me up the wall!” we will often say of someone’s actions or words, thereby working ourselves up into a state where we staunchly believe that our anger stems only from the stupid, self-centered actions of others.
To think like this is wrong—not in a moral sense—but simply because it is not true.
Other people cannot make us angry: no matter how outrageously upsetting the words or deeds of others may appear to you, the truth—and this may be hard to accept at first—is that it is you who creates every bit of outrage and anger you feel.
This is because anger, as an emotion, is created by your cognitions, or if you prefer, your thoughts around a particular event.
According to the school of cognitive psychology, most instances of anger are created by cognitive distortions; this term refers to perceptions about a person or event which are either one-sided, twisted, or simply not true.
Common Cognitive Distortions
- Labelling
One of the most common cognitive distortions present in angry outbursts is that of labelling. For example, as in the Nick Cave song, when you think “People Ain’t No Good,” or when you label someone (or yourself) a “useless piece of shit.”
The trap in this sort of cognitive distortion is that you are not simply resenting a person’s act or words; you are assuming that their core is bad, based on something they said or did; taking one incident and constructing a whole identity based on it.
By labelling them, you are choosing to value only the things about them you don’t like, and on top of that, in the same fell swoop, you also apply yet another cognitive distortion as you disqualify the positive things about them, (a damaging belief, given that every human being is in reality a nuanced mix of positive, neutral and negative character traits.)
By labelling another person as defective in their totality, you are positioning yourself as morally superior; this creates a snowball effect, as your need for retaliation (because the other is essentially less good than you) may polarize them against you and create an unnecessary state of “interpersonal warfare.”
Let’s step back for a moment and try to figure out what got you so annoyed in the first place.
Often, your ego will be defending its sense of self-esteem, which will have likely happened because the other person may have threatened your sense of self by criticizing you, not liking you or your actions, rejecting you or simply disagreeing with your ideas.
The fact is that only your very own negative and distorted thoughts are able to diminish your self-esteem and even then, only if you truly believe what you think about yourself.
Only you can successfully threaten your self-esteem: always remember this.
If this happens to be the case, and you find yourself locked in an endless self-abasing inner monologue, you would be better served to become more aware of the words you use against yourself, and instead think: “would I ever speak to a real friend like this simply because they forgot their car keys in the house?” Surely, you wouldn’t call them a “fucking useless waste of space,” now, would you?
To reverse one of the biblical Ten Commandments: “do unto yourself as you would do unto your loved ones.” Always remember to treat yourself the same way you would a loved one, thereby exercising self-compassion; remember: it doesn’t have to be a fight.
2. Mind-Reading
When we become enraged or irritated by someone, we tend to think we know what motivated the other person to act the way they did.
In cognitive psychology, this is called mind-reading. The problem with this cognitive distortion is that, from our wounded high horse, it rarely occurs to ask the other person why they said or did a certain thing, so we assume we know.
Let’s say, for example, that you want to spend the evening with your partner over a romantic dinner in a great new restaurant which recently opened in your neighborhood.
However, the night before, your partner discovered that their favorite band are in town, and, miraculously, a friend of theirs has a spare ticket.
Feeling snubbed that they would rather go to a concert with a friend than have a night on the town with you, you presume that they don’t love you anymore; or worse yet, you think they prefer their friend’s company to you: there must be something going on there, surely, you think.
As a matter of fact, all it is, is that your partner’s favorite band is hardly ever in town, and the restaurant isn’t going anywhere soon.
If you are ever in doubt what another person is thinking: don’t assume. Ask; but when you ask, be ready for an answer you may not agree with or like, and try to not make it about you, because, chances are, it probably isn’t.
3. Magnification
You have been putting in extra hours at work lately, and the exhaustion and crankiness has been slowly mounting.
This morning, you overslept, which means that although you won’t be late for work, you will not have as much time as you’d like, and you will get stuck in rush hour traffic if you drive, or the public transport sardine-can crush.
You absolutely despise rush-hour, and huff and say to yourself: “I can’t stand rush hour! This has completely ruined my morning!”
The mere fact that you will be driving or commuting to work anyway means that, ultimately, you can stand rush hour, so why lie to yourself and say you can’t? Rush hour is unpleasant enough on its own without you adding to its discomfort.
In order to successfully manage your stress and anger, it is always a good idea to be aware of moments when you are magnifying, or “making a mountain out of a molehill.”
In this case, the same will apply to your inner monologue and not just events triggered by other people. Make a point to start becoming aware of the things you say to yourself when you are angry at yourself, and start by changing the vocabulary you use at yourself.
4. “Musturbation”
The founding father of cognitive psychology, Dr. Albert Ellis, coined a term we here at Tabula Rasa Retreat ™ think is particularly apt to describe a fourth cognitive distortion associated with irritation and anger: “musturbation,” or the repeated notion we sometimes feel that people should act a certain way to us.
When someone acts in a way we don’t like, it is all too common to fall into the trap of thinking that they “shouldn’t” have; or then, that they “should” have done or said something they did not.
In these situations, what triggers your anger is not the sense of deprivation, but your ego’s own sense of entitlement. The fact that someone did or didn’t do what you expected is perceived as an injustice, because your ego, when unchecked, rests on the assumption that you are owed instant gratification at all times. It is, after all, common for those prone to anger outbursts to feel, for example, that if they are nice to someone, then that person should be appreciative.
This type of cognitive distortion negates the agency and free will of other people, who will often act in ways that aren’t to your liking. It is this very notion of injustice which lies at the root of most instances of anger.
When we really think about the nature of fairness and injustice, though: can we really say that they are both an objective fact?
If, for example, an antelope gets killed and devoured by a cheetah, can we say this is unfair? For the antelope, it possibly is—it was minding its own business unprovoked. For the cheetah, it isn’t. It was hungry. So, which of the two is right?
However, since the concept of “absolute fairness” does not exist, as it is rather a subjective judgement, that is not to say that personal and moral social codes do not have their place—they do. Moral systems are useful in that they act as a communal sort of social glue, but they will never fit everyone.
To Rage or Not to Rage. That is the Question
As cognizant human beings, we always have choices, even though it may not seem so in the heat of the moment.
When you feel a surge of anger rising, you would do well to ask yourself the following question: “Should I feel anger or not?” simply because there actually are situations where anger can be adaptive and productive. However, it is important to know where to draw the line.
To help with this, it is useful to ask yourself the following questions:
- Is the anger I’m feeling directed at someone who has knowingly and unnecessarily gone out of their way to hurt or betray me?
- Is this anger useful? Does it help me achieve a desired outcome, or is it simply a drain on my energy and a waste of emotional resources?
To help with the distinction of what serves as adaptive anger—the instance in which it is useful—let us take the example of a child who mindlessly runs into the middle of a road when its mother is packing groceries in the car.
The angry mode in which the mother expresses herself as she retrieves the fortunately unharmed child serves to convey a message of alarm intended to discourage the child from doing so again. This is an instance of adaptive anger.
If the mother continued to resent what the child did throughout the day and treating him angrily; that, for example, would be a case of maladaptive anger: it would do nothing but create unnecessary stress over a situation that has already happened and needs no further analysis.
Another case in point for anger that serves no real purpose is, for example, anger at a news story denouncing, for example, political or financial corruption.
Although the act itself is clearly hurtful or immoral, unless you are planning to start an anti-corruption campaign, or organize a protest, the anger you feel will be of little use to you.
Below we have included a series of coping methods and exercises to help manage your stress and anger levels without having to resort to either alcohol, illegal or pharmaceutical drugs.
By exercising your will power and performing what we like to call mental gymnastics, you can change the narrative to one that better serves you.
Leave the Room and Cool Down
When we feel provoked, or when someone’s words touch a sore spot, it is all too easy to fly off the handle and react, so convincing yourself to not react defensively can take what seems at first like an incredible amount of willpower.
The good news is, like with anything, the more you practice, the easier it gets.
The logical first step to curtail an escalation with another person is to physically remove yourself from the situation by excusing yourself and leaving.
You can choose to say something like “I’m feeling angry right now, and I don’t want to argue with you, so I’m going to cool off and we’ll talk calmly about this later;” naturally, if the person is a stranger, you need not say anything; similarly, if what caused your outburst is an event, you will not need to physically remove yourself to avoid further escalation.
The Double-Column Technique
You can either draw two columns in a notebook or a piece of paper, or create a word processor template: all that is required is one column that says: “Advantages of my Anger,” and another that says, “Disadvantages of My Anger.”
Next, you should proceed to make a list of all the disadvantages and advantages of being angry in the face of whichever situation has unfolded; make sure you consider both the short term and the long-term consequences of your anger.
Then, once you are done, review the list and ask yourself which has more weight: the costs or the benefits?
In doing this, you will be able to take a cold, objective look at your reaction and decide if your anger and resentment are worth it.
If you wish to take the exercise one step further, you can make a different list of the positive consequences of eliminating your anger regarding said situation. This analysis is important, as it will constitutes a first step in dealing with your anger.
You would also serve yourself well by asking yourself, for example, “if the situation provoking me doesn’t change immediately, or anytime soon, would I be willing to cope with it instead of getting angry?”
If you answer “yes,” then you will know you are motivated enough to change the way you perceive that person or event, which is admittedly easier than trying to change the event or person.
Turn Hot Thoughts into Cool
Once you have cooled down, another written exercise you may try to manage your stress and anger is to jot down all the hot thoughts that occurred to you as you got upset.
Then, using the double-column method again, in front of each “hot thought” in the left column, write a more objective, “cool thought” in the right.
When writing the “hot thoughts,” remember to not censor yourself.
An example of each could be as follows:
Hot thought: “I’m such a fucking spoiled brat! I SO deserve to feel guilty about this shit!”
Cool thought: “I’m entitled to be immature sometimes; I’m not perfect, nor do I have to be. Feeling guilty about it is unnecessary and won’t do me any good.”
When you are writing down the “cool thoughts,” imagine that you are trying to expose the lie behind the “hot thoughts,” replacing each one with the objective, matter-of-fact truth.
Conclusion
Whether you are in recovery from drugs or alcohol, or whether you are simply trying to work your way towards a life less bitter by learning to manage your stress and anger, there are still many tips and strategies we wish to share about the human Irritability Quotient, anger, resentment, and how to successfully control it before it controls you.
In light of this, so as not to make this blog post too long a read, our next post will be a continuation of the current one, where we will explore more cognitive psychology techniques you can apply across a wide spectrum of situations with a view to reclaiming your inner peace, self-esteem and self-control.
In today’s post we have gone over some of the forms of cognitive distortions which can twist our normal, logical thinking into a knot; and we have learned the first three of a few techniques and strategies for defusing our own anger if we find it disproportional to the event.
For those of us with a propensity towards addiction, we must be especially mindful of how we allow ourselves to react to certain people and situations, as high levels of stress—or any emotional extreme—can pave the road for relapses if we forget to remain vigilant.
Have an amazing weekend, stay safe and remember: you are not your reactions; what they are is a continued reflection of who you used to be; an outdated way your ego used to go about to make you feel morally superior at the expense of berating others.
For further tips and strategies on managing your anger and stress, check out Part II of this post, already out.
For further information visit www.tabularasaretreat.com or call PT +351 965 751 649 UK +44 7961 355 530