One fundamental aspect of addiction is the way it forces addicts to violate their principles, beliefs, and best selves. In every life, we are bound to cause harm to others, regardless of intent, and often without our knowledge. But for the addicted, these transgressions can sink to truly appalling depths. One of the most essential parts of recovery is coming to terms with the harm we have caused to the people close to us, and whenever possible, doing everything we can to relieve the pain we have dished out. Let’s take a closer look at the process of making amends.
What Does ” Making Amends” Mean?
A reductive definition would be “apologize sincerely to those you’ve hurt.” But experts at the Betty Ford Clinic have identified one of the key differences between apologies and amends. They rightly point out that amends are actions, whereas apologies are often just words. One of the keys to recovering from addiction is aligning your intentions and your actions. In the case of making amends, this can be defined as the difference between saying you’re sorry for having stolen from someone and creating a re-payment plan. By uniting your actions with your words, you can convince others that you’re actually committed to repairing wrongs and relationships. Compare this to the thousands of useless apologies you probably offered to those around you when you were using! Amends are so important because they are an actual, concrete manifestation of the changes that occurred within you when you moved from addiction into recovery.
Steps 8 and 9
If you’re familiar with the 12-Step model of recovery, you’ve probably already been thinking about Steps 8 and 9 as you read the last two paragraphs. For the uninitiated:
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
These two steps are invaluable parts of the foundation to sober living. We need to deal with our pasts to move into a brighter future. We would recommend following through with these two steps even if you’re committed to a peer support program other than the AA/NA model.
Alternative Approaches to Amends
While SMART Recovery and Practical Recovery don’t have a specific policy for making amends, they realize that the process is valuable for many in recovery, and they recommend acknowledging your role, apologizing, and making things right if it’s possible to do so.
You may have read our recent blog post on Naikan Therapy – a recent addition to the Tabula Rasa Retreat recovery toolbox. In Naikan therapy, realization is the first step toward making amends. Naikan helps to develop realization about one’s wrongs and one’s part in those wrongs. Naikan teaches that one needs realization in the beginning – which is the most complex part of the amends process.
Naikan therapy helps one reach realization, and how (even if) amends are actually made is a personal choice. Some people may pay back by helping others, cleaning the soul, serving elderly people, parents, etc. Some people do not make direct or indirect amends at all.
In the Naikan model, the psychotherapist can encourage that amends be made, but the amends process is by no means an essential part of one’s recovery.
For those seeking to make amends for past wrongs, let’s explore the process of making amends in a little more depth.
What is a Direct Amend?
The phrase essentially means that you try to establish face-to-face communication with the person you’ve wronged. If they’re unwilling to meet with you, or time and distance will not allow for a meeting, we recommend trying to communicate as directly as possible, via facetime, phone, email, or letter. You should always open by acknowledging the pain and hurt you have caused, and avoid finding fault or shifting blame. Demonstrate through your words and actions the ways in which you have changed. Offer them whatever you can to repair the damage you’ve done, and try to find ways to enable them to heal.
How to Avoid Injuring Others
If you think that the process of making amends would cause needless harm, stress, mental anguish, or any other type of pain to another person, there’s no need to burden them in order to unburden yourself. As Step 9 dictates, “except when to do so would injure them.” Bear in mind that your goal in this process should be helping them to deal with the wrongs you’ve inflicted, not seeking closure for yourself. If you have painful information they’re unaware of and have no need to receive, ask yourself if they would actually benefit from receiving it. If you suspect that the answer might be “no”, try to do something else to atone for your actions, like volunteering your time with the needy, making a donation to a worthy cause, or taking steps to help out someone else in your life. You can atone for your actions without making them suffer.
What if Someone Doesn’t Want to Meet Me?
It’s entirely possible that there might be someone in your life to whom you are desperate to make amends to who wants nothing to do with you. If someone who you’ve hurt doesn’t want to accept your apologies and amends, it’s best to accept that fact, and find some other way to reach closure for yourself. Intentionally taking positive and benevolent action in another part of your life can allow you to move forward and accept their decision to wash their hands of you. We never recommend forcing the issue and putting someone you’ve already harmed in an uncomfortable situation.
Avoid Harmful Situations
If someone who you’ve harmed is still actively addicted and using substances regularly, you should be very careful about putting your fragile sobriety at risk. You can try to nudge them towards treatment, or ensure that you meet them in a safe place without any triggers or stressors that could fuel a relapse. While making amends is very important, as the Betty Ford Clinic notes, “our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse.”
Don’t Do It Alone
It’s important to consult with mentors, counselors, peers, sponsors, and relevant guides such as AA’s Big Book. Making amends is a long and arduous process which can cause fresh stresses and problems. Those who have experience with it are a resource that can help you avoid pitfalls along the way and ensure that you emerge happier, healthier, and stronger. They can reassure you that you are doing the right thing, even if the people that you have wronged respond to your efforts to heal with hostility, dismissiveness, or contempt. We’re always stronger together!
What Making Amends Can Do
Making amends is so necessary because it will deepen your understanding of the pain and suffering that addiction has caused to those around you. It can offer the opportunity to rebuild broken connections with your family and loved ones. But it also has substantial benefits for your own mental health. As addictions expert and Professor of Family Medicine Chris Ebberwein states “making amends means taking ownership for causing hurt, and then doing something to correct or heal it. Making amends puts to rest the temptation to be stuck in self-blame or to blame others. It allows the recovering person to move ahead toward correcting mistakes that were made and healing old hurts.” At Tabula Rasa Retreat, we’ve seen firsthand the way attempting to right past wrongs can heal the scars of addiction and build self-esteem and happiness.
For further information visit www.tabularasaretreat.com or call PT +351 965 751 649 UK +44 7961 355 530